I AM...

 
I am a writer. 

Not because I went to school to become one. Not because I read a “how to” book, not because someone showed me how to be a writer and certainly not because someone asked me to. 

I am a writer because my soul has shown me that writing is connected to why I am here. It is part of my soul medicine that heals me and hopefully others.

This knowing came to me when I was a little girl who loved learning words, spelling words, playing with words, evolving through words. But somewhere on my journey I turned off the valve through which my words flowed. The stream of consciousness thoughts that once arrived from out of nowhere into my awareness, became a trickle. I had turned my back on my muse. I allowed the perceived judgment of others to rule me and the critical voice in my own mind to silence me with its demands of perfection.  Demanding perfection, at first try...so I stopped trying.

My soul's knowing has patiently waited for me to reclaim my voice and to rekindle my gifts. “I am a writer” was hidden underneath all the messages I received that went against my organic knowing. It hid behind trying to fit in, to not call too much attention to myself, to be safe, to be accepted. It got covered in messages of “not good enough”, “it's too late”, “no one cares”. It starting dying when I didn't give it any attention. The medicine that came with my connection to the muse began to fade away.

The loud and persistent call to write the words that danced in my head asking for a chance to be seen in the real world through me, became whispers tired of waiting on me to listen, to honor, to take action. And because I neglected the wisdom of my soul, my soul neglected me. When I would call on it for wisdom on how to heal, it wouldn't respond with the clarity it once offered. I gave nothing, I received nothing.

This primary relationship...the relationship with my soul, the most important relationship on my journey,(on all of our journeys!)the relationship that is my lifeline was dying from years of neglect.Until a stark realization:if this relationship completely dies, than so do I.

It took a health crisis to call me back to my own medicine. To remember the gifts I was given early on that I had deemed as unacceptable for others without realizing they were essential for me! I discovered a lump in my throat that was suspicious and concerning. It require a surgery that took half of my thyroid. Gratefully it was benign, but it was a huge price to pay to recognize how much I had shut down the medicine of expression.

Within the years of physical issues (that I am still healing from) I began to feel depressed and hopeless. I began to isolate. Doubt rose up strong and took over my every thought especially thoughts of my private practice as a Transformational Hypnotherapist. 

I went to battle with the inner judge, the one who put me in this place of suppression. The one that I had given into so many times by letting its harsh criticism control me. The one who was now going after my livelihood. I doubted my skills as a therapist even though I have many testimonials to the contrary. I fought for my right to express, my need to express which on some level felt like fighting for my life.

But fighting oneself just creates more chaos and an on going inner tug of war.

I needed to make peace with myself. Peace with all of the aspects of my being that needed attention and deserved space to express. My inner judge was crowding my inner environment as I suppressed it's gifts, too! Where would it be helpful to have the energy of the judge? Might it have something valuable to offer if I listened instead of resisted it?

Giving myself permission to claim that I am a writer means claiming all of who I am. That is part of what the judge was protecting me from. The judge was trying to keep me safe. If I fully streamed all of me, all of my ideas, all I hold sacred, the deepest darkest aspects of my inner being, perhaps I would be judged more harshly than others? Not possible, my inner judge has the goods on me and brings the worst of the worst when it perceives a threat!

That was my shifting point.

Recognizing that no one could judge me as harshly as that inner voice had in the past. And if they did, it was still a reflection of what I was unconsciously believing about myself and as such, helpful information! 

It truly doesn't matter what others think about us, it's what we think about ourselves that matters.

Each time I sit at the computer now and prepare to write, I acknowledge the truth that it is essential for me to express myself, especially through my writing. 

I acknowledge my inner judge and give it a job to offer helpful editing tips along the way. I remind the judge that I am safe and that expressing myself is essential to my existence and as such, to its as well. 

I ask it to have my back, not hold me back and I take a timid step forward. Each step I take in claiming the path of a writer deepens my connection to myself, to my soul, to my medicine. Each time I allow myself to write without the harsh glare of the judge, my muse comes out to play more and more.

My energy is flowing, my thoughts are more inspired and words greet me with wonderful possibilities and ideas yet to be expressed every morning! The valve of expression is open wide and flows to all of the arid places of my being that needed this medicine. My soul garden is growing again and offers wonderful fruits that nourish me and hopefully others.

What have you suppressed that is part of your soul medicine? What would be different if you allowed yourself space to express more of you...all of you? Does your inner judge have your back or is it holding you back? Remind your inner judge, which is really just fear looking for a job, that you are in charge! You and only you can direct that energy and you and only you can give yourself permission to do what your soul calls you to do.

Take one step today in reclaiming your soul medicine.  Forget what the world tells you.  What does your soul tell you? Declare your soul medicine with an "I am" statement with bold conviction so strong that all thoughts of what others think about you no longer has any power over you!

Give your inner judge a job that has your back instead of holding you back. Be patient in calling your gifts forward and in developing them. Let go of needing to be perfect, that's just an illusion...a suppressive ploy of the inner judge. And for those of you, like me, who have suppressed your expression, offer yourself grace and start again and again and again.

Keep going until you are in alignment with your soul and are flowing your own unique medicine and gifts!

In support of the journey!  Victoria

Soul Musings are just that, “musings”.  Not advice, just an exploration of my own journey with some hope sprinkled in to support others along the way!


To learn about Transformational Hypnotherapy or to schedule a session of support with Victoria Jazwic, please visit:

http://www.sacredsoulvision.com/

https://www.facebook.com/Victoria-Jazwic-Transformational-Hypnotherapy-187428984601838/