From Blissed to Pissed

How is it that we can get so triggered by our families of origin...no matter how much inner work we've done?  Even the most benign of family dynamics can pull us out of our center in a split second. And for sensitive souls, family energetics and slight "slights" can tailspin even those fully invested in transformation/healing who have grand intentions of loving and accepting others and just as they are!  

We shift from blissed to pissed and just like that, our good intentions and all of our inner work seem to fall away.
  
From even the most well-intended of communications, those old healed over wounded places can get reopened and before you know it you are triggered!  A tone of voice, one word, a grimacing look, a shift of energy, or even silence can present to the receiver like a sharp edge that cuts open a memory from the past that the mind correlates and recognizes as a threat.  An inner danger alert goes off and all at once it seems as if all self-actualized territory gained from healing, reflection, and committed efforts to build one’s life on a solid ground of confidence, trust, safety, acceptance, and peace of mind is lost.

I often quote Ramm Dass' amusing and accurate observation after family visits, “if you think you've reached enlightenment, go spend some time with your family!"  It's true for me every time.

I truly love my family, but we walk different paths in life and when I try to merge back into where they are while trying to hold my footing of where I am, I slip back almost every time. Sometimes in subtle ways and I’m able to quickly course correct. Other times I feel like a mountain climber about to ascend to the highest possibility of connection when an avalanche of the past collides with the present and my good intentions and self-esteem crumble like the side of a seemingly solid mountain and I fall into a deep crevice and the task of starting up the mountain once again feels overwhelming.

When we are triggered by our family member, or by anyone we are bonded with who is part of our foundation of security, our fight/flight/freeze safety mechanism gets activated and all reasonable choices to respond and not react appear to be unavailable.  

We are in danger before we even interact with our family if we show up with expectations, especially those based on wishing for something different.  Rather, we need to accept our family members just as they are, not with fantasies of who we wish they could be for us.

We create expectations in the attempt to get our needs met, but expectations end up leading to disappointment.  We hope that our family members can fulfill our need for approval and they offer advice that sounds like criticism.  Or we long for deeper connection and they only want to talk about sports. Our family can only offer what they have to offer and can only be who they are.  Just as you can’t go to the hardware store for milk, you can’t go to your family for something not available.

Also, showing up with expectations blocks your ability to be fully present and available to receive what they do have to offer!

It’s important to identify your needs prior to getting together with family members and to create a plan of care to meet your own needs in ways that are guaranteed, not wrapped up in an expectation like a long-desired gift that may never get delivered.  

The best place to begin is with yourself.  Can you give yourself what you are hoping to receive from your family or from others?  If you long for acknowledgment/approval/love/acceptance, offer it to yourself first!  We can’t expect others to give to us what we are not willing to give to ourselves. Create a foundation of security underneath yourself built from meeting your needs first.

If you find yourself triggered, (and many of us do even if we believe we are standing on solid ground), connect with yourself in a loving and comforting way right away!  One way to do this is to place your hand over your heart and take a few deep, calming breaths.  Increase the relief by breathing in a sense of safety, of peace, of love, of acceptance, (whatever you need!) while reassuring yourself that you are safe, that all is well.

When you’ve refilled with what you need, make a choice from there. Not from the wounded place, but from a secure place built on your own love and acceptance, and connected to valuing your needs.  If you still feel on shaky ground, perhaps you need to step out of the environment to reset and shift perspective. 

When we are with our families it can often be challenging to stay in the present. Another simple, but powerful tool is to focus on something you appreciate about the present moment you are in!  Something you are grateful for about yourself, the environment, the occasion, AND most importantly, your family members!  

Let gratitude be the lens you look through in viewing life and your family.  Keep your mind engaged in the present moment by searching for all you can be thankful for.  Gratitude and acceptance are linked. We can find much to be grateful for when we first practice accepting what is. Gratitude and acceptance make wonderful companions to support you at family gatherings.  Make sure to bring them along with you!  
 

To learn more about soul guidance or to schedule a session of support with Victoria Jazwic, please visit:

www.victoriajazwic.com

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